I am not perfect.

It's Wednesday and I have to say first thing that I AM NOT PERFECT. Ok, I've gotten that out of the way so I will proceed.
Tonight at church, we had a young man named Jarred, come speak about being a member of the US Paralympics. www.paralympics.org. He will be participating in the 2012 Paralympics. He has a right BKA (below the knee amputation) from 2010. In highschool, he developed a condition called "compartment syndrome." After many surgeries, he ended up having to have his leg amputated. Now he has an ultra, super fabulous carbon fiber, mechanical leg and another one that is a metal bar that he runs on. Technology is absolutely amazing.
Tonight Jarred shared his testimony about how God has worked in his life. He thought in high school that he could lead a dual life. He could believe in God and yet participate in a very unChristianlike lifestyle. His only desire was to be able to be a collegiate runner. He wasn't just a good runner, he was an amazing runner. He actually won a state competition in running. His running career was cut short when he developed compartment syndrome. Jarred admits that he was angry at God for over a year. He said that God revealed HIMself to Jarred and told him that he had been with him through this trial and wanted to use him in the future. Jarred has dedicated his running career to God. Jarred has put his faith in whatever God's will is for his life.
Jarred was asked how his parents have handled all of this. He talked about how hard it is for any parent to see their child go through such a trial. Interestingly enough, I was sitting next to a couple who had just found out that their own daughter was having a problem with intracranial pressure due to too much cerebrospinal fluid built up in her brain and especially behind her eyes. They had been told that she could have blindness if things get worse. She is having a spinal tap on Monday.
I sat there in that pew listening to what Jarred had to say about his own parents and how supportive and faithful to God they were. I jarred this girls mom in the ribs with my elbow. She told me that on Sunday, the sermon was about why bad things happen. She said that it is so strange how these messages are coming to her. I told her that I could so see that God was working in this and HE has it in HIS control. It is so incredible when God speaks to us. I was in awe over the fact that even I could see HIM working right before my own eyes!!! Talk about a billboard sign letting them know that HE is with them! WOW!! The mom asked me what I thought about all of this and whether or not I thought that they will be able to treat her daughter. I told her that it was apparent to me that GOD HAS THIS! I would say YES! None of us know whether her daughter will be helped through a medication or a surgery. None of us know whether God will heal her in the next few days before the spinal tap she will have on Monday. What we do know is that no matter what happens, God is working on something BIG in their lives and HE has every microelement of this situation in HIS control. This I am confident of!
So, I went to the allergy clinic today. I am seeing the same ENT that took my tonsils out when I was 12 years old. He is a nice, handsome, smart, very friendly man that I have actually worked along side of in the ER. I really like him. I went to highschool a couple of grades behind one of his daughters. My brother used to have a crush on his dark haired, super nice, cheerleading daughter back in the 80's. Random, I know.
At any rate, I have already endured the initial testing, the part where I got stuck a good 50 times or more in both arms. It turns out that I am allergic to mold, dust and dust mites (and their poop). I figured that out a long time ago...just not the poop part. Today, I came back for the serum they mixed to treat my allergies. I am not going the traditional route of having to have injections every week. I am using a sub lingual drop daily to treat my allergies.
In addition to today being my first go at the allergy drops, I was instructed on how to use my $189 Epi Pens. So, if I was to decide to have a severe allergic reaction to the serum, I could, pop the cap and stab myself in the thigh, hold for 10 secs, remove the needle and massage the epinephrine into my muscle. Then I would need to call 911. The nurse, recommended that I call 911 first then plunge the needle into my thigh. I guess if your throat swells shut, you might be much more willing to gouge yourself to prevent an untimely death related to a dust particle or bedbug poop.
My thoughts after taking one drop of this $150 serum that will eventually make me immune to dust (praise God) is that I really, really hoped I didn't have an anaphylactic reaction. I was not too worried about having to use the Epi Pen. I was actually more worried about the thought that if I did nearly stop breathing or really stop breathing, that I would be seen in the ER where I used to work. Sitting there I was able to recall that I had only the great toes of both feet painted with toe nail polish because all the other paint had worn off. Although the nail color I have is a very pretty deep purple color, I don't think it looks as stunning, when it's chipped off and only on one toe. I also remembered that my legs were unshaven as usual. I couldn't remember what state my underwear was in. I don't mean that my undies weren't clean, but I did just wear some an old, no count pair, without the thought that maybe someone might see them. Why we keep no count underwear around at all, when we know that at anytime we could be in an accident, makes no sense to me. I am an imperfect  human being.
I was also concerned that since I had been working all day and had spent a great deal of time cleaning out a closet in my office, I was stinky and smelly. I think my deodorant had clocked out around 1PM today. Jacked up toes, unshaved legs, no count drawers and BO are not what I want to go rolling up in the ER with after having had an attempt at dying. Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled at the possibility of having to take that one little drop of serum. I am however, very excited at the thought of being able to walk into any room in any building and not feel my eyes burn and water, my nose run or to start coughing from post nasal drip. Maybe next time when they up my dose, I'll be better prepared. Knowing me though, I will still have the further peeled off toe nail polish and unshaved legs. Maybe I will remember to wear some decent drawers to the next visit.

Recovery

I am about 13 weeks post hysterectomy. If you ever want to know what it's like to have a hysterectomy and how things are afterward...ask me. I will answer all of your questions. The questions I had about being post hysterectomy, I could not ask my mother in law or some of the ladies from church! Valid questions or not, I didn't want to ask them. I have heard time and again that having a hysterectomy will change my life completely for the better. So far, I can say that I have had many positive effects from having surgery. I am really grateful too because surgery was TOUGH. When they say it's major surgery...they mean it!
I have to tell you about something that touched my heart tonight. I have been carrying around some burdens lately. A dear friend of mine has been going through some really tough things lately and I'm afraid that one of the demons that had been tormenting her, spotted me trying to be supportive and decided to attack. I have been feeling kind of overwhelmed and blue.
 I talked to my friend Vanessa tonight on the phone. She and I have been friends since 9th grade. I clearly remember when I first met her, she was from a rinky dink little town South of Moultrie, GA. When I met her, she had long, straight hair, down to at least the middle of her back. She had the thickest Southern accent I had ever heard. She reminded me of Laura Ingles from Little House on the Prairie. She came from a Southern Baptist home, the eldest daughter of two girls. She was very shy to say the least. Vanessa was also on the smartest girls I knew.
Now, Vanessa is in social work. She is still brilliant. She is soft spoken with a diluted Southern accent. She is a funky, earthy woman. She has a heart for people. She has really blossomed into a beautiful, Christian woman.
Anyway, I talked to Vanessa about the weight I had been carrying around in my heart for my friend. And the greatest gift that Vanessa gave to me tonight, besides suggestions for books for me and my friend to read, was prayer. Over the telephone, "not wanting to seem dorky or nothing", she prayed for me and for my friend. A beautiful prayer indeed. She prayed for my dear friend who has been attacked by horrible demons. Prayed for her strength. Prayed for God to protect her. She prayed a prayer for my friend as though she was her own friend. She prayed for her sister in Christ.
Then Vanessa prayed for me. She prayed that God would cast out that demon of sadness and depression from me. The one that attached itself when I was trying to be supportive. That's how Satan works. Satan knows when people are hurting, weak, vulnerable and wants to keep them that way. Satan also does not want us to pray for each other, share kindness and love or pray for others. She prayed for me, being a tender hearted person, to feel stronger and to have God shine HIS light into my darkness.
Dorky is not what I would call a person being bold enough to pray for me and my friend. To be willing to step out in Faith to ask for comfort and guidance for her Sisters. Very bold and wonderful indeed!
As I told Vanessa, who has known me a very, very long time...I may appear to be strong and tough on the outside. I may seem like things don't get to me. But this time, I was not. I was struggling. And as many people have told me that I handled the situation I was in with my friend the right way, there was still a disconnect in my mind. Knowing that you did the right thing and that you have no control over someone elses life or the choices they make is all good in theory. But being able to accept it in your heart that you did the right thing and you did everything within you own power to do...doesn't always make sense to your heart. So Vanessa reminded me that, I need to give it to God. Ask God to relieve me of my heart's burden because I can not deal with it. I can not take on someone elses burden...only God can.
I am a nurse. I care about people. I help fix people. I can't fix everything. And not being able to fix it, is a struggle for me. Thankfully, God can and I can let it go to HIM.
Thank you Vanessa and all of my other dear friends, and Pete for being supportive and loving. God, thank you for my Sisters in Christ.

Memorial Day 2011

Apparently I decided without telling myself that I would stop writing for a while. It came as a shock to me too that there were no words to be said. Truth be told, I think that I wanted to stick to the notion that if one does not have anything good to say then for goodness sakes, DON'T SAY IT. So I haven't and I didn't.
This past year has been a bit of a challenge for me mentally, physically and emotionally. I kept thinking that if I blogged it would come out as a NOT SO HELPFUL, SELF HELP manual.
First I began working in a local emergency room in a large hospital in our town. I turned my life completely upside down by taking a night position. Ever watch the show "The Twilight Zone"? Fantastic program...not such a fantastic way of living. Nurses that work in ERs are a completely different breed. Each one warned that I would be jaded in no time. I would be burnt out on people. I would hate working with the public. And at times, I have to admit, I did start to feel that way. The thought of throttling some people to death was amusing. But having someone cuss me, ask for pain meds and demand food wore me down. And then the dreaded,"I must have ANOTHER PILLOW AND WARM BLANKET!!!" I just knew that any moment a masseuse and a nail tech would pop out of the bathroom and a pedicure would ensue.
Weekly reminders about how to provide nursing care would come out. Nurses were regularly reminded to treat people with kindness, respect and compassion. The hospital would even conduct surveys to find out what the average patient's ER experience was like. I fully expected to hear that "My nurse came in, introduced herself, asked why I in the ER, hooked me up to a machine, wiped her brow, squinted her eyes to see monitors and sighed while some blasted machine kept dinging. Then her work phone kept ringing and she had to tell each person that she was working with a new patient, collecting a urine, starting an IV and collecting a poop sample. While looking at my nurse, I noticed that her eyes looked a little gaunt from lack of sleep I'm certain. Her hair was out of place from running from place to place. She had a nervous tick...probably from that doctor who looked like Mac Steamy or was it Dreamy asked if she had bothered to get a pelvic exam setup?! All in all, my nurse was nice enough. But I was really disappointed that I did not get the French Manicure I requested."
So I was a day sleeper for months. And I could sleep during the day. I had to buy some pull down, black out shades to go over our custom made blinds in our bedroom. These replaced the super splendid sheets and blankets that covered the windows for the first few weeks. These were a step up in class from covering the windows in tin foil. Since Meth makers began using the tin foil tactic for privacy, I didn't want to upset the neighbors and our local police patrol.
Because I spent so much time in bed sleeping and then napping when I could on days off, I spent a lot of time away from friends. When I began on night shift, my hair was quite short. I had decided to let it grow out for Pete's sake. So now, that I have arisen from the darkness of night, my hair is longer and down to my shoulders. I have dropped at least six pounds. Missing meals really helps one to lose weight. My friends probably won't even know who I am.
But alas it is Memorial Day. I awoke at about 4 AM today. I have had my coffee and a breakfast bar. Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have a hysterectomy at 6 AM. So in one fell swoop, I am becoming a day dweller and I am becoming less bitchy as a member of society. I kind of almost feel like it a whole new beginning....long hair and all.
So no more letters and instructions on how to be nice to people. I'll just be me again...minus a uterus and cervix. Who needs those anyway? Men don't have them. I will soon be able to go out into the sunlight and not feel like my eyeballs are crawling back up into the inside, darkness of my eye sockets. It's going to be great again!
Today I am hopeful.Today I begin my blogging again. Stay tuned.