The Only Thing

I heard this song the other day on the radio and I was struck by the truth of what it said: The only thing good in me is Jesus. The first thing that came to my mind is that I am a good person...right? But then I thought, I am my best because I have given my life to HIM. I am a nurse because I was called to care for others. I help people as often as I am able because I feel like this is my way to honor God. Sure I am a good person, I am tender hearted and love PEOPLE. But I think that I am good or give my best to honor HIM.
That being said, I cant tell you how many times I sort of cringe when someone goes on and on about appreciating what I have done for them. Many times, I honestly, consciously do things because I think its the right thing to do. I am in no way perfect. I am not always unselfish. I am not always kind. I am not always happy. I do not always do or say the right things. BUT when I do something that is right and in accordance with God's Word, HIS Grace shines through...that's what that person is seeing.
This verse sums it up: If you could walk the hallways of my heart. And see things as they really are. I wonder if you might be surprised. Seeing faded walls of pride and fear. Rooms I've filled with faithless tears. And corners where I've stood in compromise. But you'd see the work His grace has done. You'd know just how far I've come.

I think back over the years of my life and I feel really good about some things I've done. But those not so great moments, actions or the poor decisions I made glare out at me. When I look back on those times, I don't feel that that sickening, sinking sensation that I used to feel. I have already been Forgiven for all that. However, I know to completely forget all of those life lessons would be foolish in my opinion. Dwelling on the past is another foolish decision. So, if I choose to take a look at some of the negative things of my past, I have to think, "what did I learn from that? How did God use this for good?" I have learned some really great lessons! Too bad I can't pass all this wisdom on to my children and have them just "take my word for it".

I have come such a long way. Back when I was 12 years old I was baptized for the first time. And I say for the first time because I was baptized again when I was 18. Truly, I would not mind being baptized AGAIN! Not that baptism MAKES you a better Christian. I would just like to publicly show that I have TRULY given my life to Jesus. When I was 12, I don't think I REALLY could grasp what it meant to have a relationship with God. When I was 18, I definitely believed that Jesus died for my sins, but I still didn't have that close personal relationship and FAITH (as I know it now). I surely had not realized that talking the talk, meant walking the walk.

After many trials and tribulations that I have had over the last handful of years, I think that I have become so much more committed to my relationship with God. I was spiritually broken and in some ways physically and emotionally broken as well. I was as low as I think I could get. I don't ever want to have to know if there is an EVEN LOWER point than the bottom that I met. Through my darkest of days, I prayed. Through the brighter days I prayed and thanked God for the glimpses of light. Through the much better days, I have seen how God has USED the darkness in my life to help others and to be a more loving, compassionate person. Hundreds of times, I have encountered people with similar issues that I experienced. I have been able to hold hands with people whose pain reeked out from their very pores. Pains that were not just physical but emotional and spiritual. I thanked God for giving me a heart and experience.

When I went through my darkest days, I NEVER thought that I would ever be grateful for having to claw my way out of the pit of despair. NEVER. NEVER. I never thought that all the tears I shed would ever be used to help quench someone else in their moments of despair. NEVER. But, again I say that I do truly believe that the Only Good in Me is Jesus. Without the Grace and love of God and his Holy Son, I would still be writhing in that pit. I would not have had hope. I would not have had peace. I would not have had loving support. No one PERSON could have pulled me through. Only God's Grace truly saved me.

A non-believer might read this and say, "This chick is diluted and crazed." And I would say to a non-believer,"I don't care what you think or say or do...I know where I came from, I know that my heart and my entire life has been changed because of my FAITH. And I know that when I cried out to Jesus to help save me....I was saved and had peace. This is not the kind of peace that is just quiet emptiness...this is an overwhelming knowledge that God was with me and that He would carry me through all of this....and He did!" I have felt pain, loneliness and anguish. I have thought that there were days that I would be better off dead. BUT...when I prayed...I didn't hurt so much. I didn't feel hopeless. I didn't think that an empty death was the answer. I found my relationship with Jesus. And if this doesn't sound cool or sounds weak and pathetic....that's what I used to be. But as I said before, no person, no judgemental PERSON could have ever saved me or given me peace. A non-believer can only wonder if what I am saying is true. A Christian would say, "Thank you Lord for your love and Grace. Thank you for making the only thing good in me, your Holy Son."

THE ONLY THING By Ronnie Freeman
I heard someone say the other day.
They'd seen in me true love displayed.
Blessed by something I had done for them.
No sooner had they said these words.
I found myself somehow disturbed.
Uneasy as I took their compliment.
Cause I know the heart inside this man.
I know the truth of who I am...

(Chorus)The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
I know me well enough to know.
No matter what this life may show.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
If you could walk the hallways of my heart.
And see things as they really are.
I wonder if you might be surprised.
Seeing faded walls of pride and fear.
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears.
And corners where I've stood in compromise.
But you'd see the work His grace has done.
You'd know just how far I've come.
In a thousand years.
When the dust of this world clears.
And I look back on my life.
And see in perfect light.

(Chorus)The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
I know me well enough to know.
No matter what this life may show.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
I know me well enough to know.
No matter what this life may show.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

Excuse me, is that a donut on your hip?

Some time ago, I thought I was ready to take on the WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE! For some strange reason (be it hormones, thyroid or too many sweets) I have gained several pounds in the last 6 months. For my entire life (meaning after 15yrs old) I have always weighed 136lbs. I am almost 5'8". To look at me now, you would never guess that I weigh 151.9 lbs. Anyone with any kind of waist line would look at me and scoff. Well, scoffers....you just scoff away!!! I am just as tired of my extra weight as anyone else!!! I carry all of my weight right in the front...probably because that is where my babies stretched my poor precious belly skin out like a large basketball. My legs....alas, will always be chicken legs. I am really ok with that. Its the rolling belly that reminds me of the foothills of the Appalachian that bothers me. My stretch marks might make too good a trail for hikers.
This morning, I awoke at my usual time (but actually got out of bed this time!) at 0630hrs. I got dressed in my cycling garb and hit the bike trainer. I actually rode for 17 minutes. That's 2 whole more minutes than I had planned on riding. Honestly, I didn't get my heart rate up much. But the truth is, that I just wanted to get my joints and muscles used to repetitive rotations of the pedals. And believe me, all parts of my legs and feet groaned!!! But soon I was spinning.
I have been watching what I eat for a few days. The weekend kill me. Pete isn't the most healthy of eaters....pizza, bacon...whatever is good for clogging arteries. Of course he didn't force me to eat any of it...I'm WEAK!!! But in the mornings I have been so good! I have had yogurt and a breakfast bar. Part of my problem is that I get to where I feel like I am going to die about 10:30AM. My breakfast had worn off. So then I have to snack. I have been picking healthier snacks lately (a protein bar and some blue berries today)...but it hasn't always been this way for me. Those bite size candy bars...that which we give to our patients to show our love for them...too easy to snag for a quick PICK ME UP! Evil things!
This evening, I came home, ate spaghetti with meatballs for dinner. I had a Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine for lunch...butternut squash ravioli...very tasty!! At any rate, after I ate, I felt like I needed to get in some more exercise time. We are all supposed to exercise a total of 30 minutes a day.
I asked Pete to hook up the pull behind trailer for Lyndi. Lila grabbed her bike (after much whining and crying about her helmet not doing right). Off we went on a Tour de Comer! Riding with a whiney 7 year old that insists that her life is miserable and she just cant do it is not really my idea of family quality time. But we all made it back home alive!!! Lila only cried 3 times during the whole jaunt. We rode for 40 minutes. I think I pedaled about 20 minutes of those 40! It was actually more painful trying to ride slow than it was to actually get out and ride!! But if I was able to burn at least one calorie....such is life huh?
So enough of what probably sounds like a bunch of fussing and whining on my part! I need to be accountable to someone! I'm hoping that perhaps getting the word out that I am tired of toting around my tube will keep me motivated. Plus, a friend of mine has asked me to consider doing a triathlon. I stressed my extreme concern over not being able to swim very well...she said I could swim in her family's pond. Reckon the bottom is all mucky and has weird creatures lurking in the mud?Hmmm?
Me a triathlon? A TRIATHLETE? That sounds really cool. Maybe I will be able to do it. Maybe I wont. But I am considering it. I have friends that have done such things. I also have friends that run marathons. Is it too far out to think that I could participate? We will see. Today is day ONE for me. I hope I make it to day TWO!! I mean day 22! :)

This and That

How about a little collective randomness? It's all I have to offer tonight. I used to have things to rant about.....Just having a complete thought these days...hmmm...
So, I'm completely burned out on hearing about the death of Micheal Jackson. I'm so tired of it, that I prefer to only speak of this individual (if I have to say ANYTHING at all!!) as MJ. When MJ died, several other famous individuals passed within days of the "Kind of Pop." Not much was said about any of those other famous people. What a shame too. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Karl Malden (one of my favorites!!). I will never forget Farrah's performance in the movie "Extremities"! What a hard core stalker film! Farrah ends up showing her stalker who's the boss...a fire poker and bug spray in the eyes will get them every time! It was a thriller to say the least! Of course, there is the Charlie's Angels show...the greatest memory I have of that was the hair. I was so young then. I'm not going to begin to pretend that I remember a lot about it. I was more impressed with shows like CHIPS or EMERGENCY! Go figure! For a girl like me to remember hot law enforcement and EMS folks over a bunch of hip hugger wearing chicks!
This weekend we went to pick up our girlies from a week long stay at Grandma's house in Augusta! It was a long hard week for me. They drive me absolutely nuts when they are home, but it hurts my heart to have them away from me! Lyndi was thrilled beyond belief to see me! There is nothing better! Lila was excited and very loving...she sat with me a lot this weekend and scratched my back for me. She is such a love bug. Too bad she is bossy and rude to her little sister a lot of the time. They could be so good for each other! Best friends for life! Maybe one day!
But let me say that Grandma worked a miracle for us this weekend!! Lyndi has been paci FREE for one week! Tonight when she went to bed, she didn't even ask for it! She did hem and haw a good bit trying to get settled back into her own bed and room, but WHO CARES?!! SHE DOES HAVE A PACI!!! I was really beginning to think that she would be walking down the isle with her "Fassi" in her mouth...teeth all jacked up from having gnawed and sucked on that thing for too long!! Thank YOU GRANDMA!!! You may only have one nerve left in your who body after their visit...but you went the extra mile for us!
Tonight we met our new neighbors...all three! They seem like nice people. He is the new principle at the High School and she is an elementary school teacher. Their little girl is Lyndi's age. I had visions of those two growing up and getting into trouble with each other. I hope that's how it works out. I know that principles can be a lot like pastors and have short stays. Maybe they will call this their home for good. The principle told my girls that they could come over and play ANY TIME.....I told him that I thought he might come to regret that invitation, as my girls will probably drive them nuts. On the way over to their house, toting a plate of hot brownies and butter pecan icecream...Pete said that he thought we should go over and give our condolences to them...for having US as their neighbors! I promise, right here and right now...that I will TRY not to bug them or allow our children to bug them....too much! I doubt if they will ever hear a peep out of Pete. Not unless the principle decides to take up cycling as hobby!
Speaking of Cycling....I'm a cycling WIDOW this week! The Tour de France started up again! I could have sworn that it usually took place in April..but BEHOLD its in July! Pete even upgraded out tv selections so that he could watch it! Mr. Tightwad came off some money...for the TOUR. Hmmmm He reassured me that we will also be getting several other movie channels too....not that that makes a hill of beans when he is vegged out in front of the TOUR every evening taking up every opportunity to watch some fabulous other show or movie...RIGHT?
So I've broken 150 I think. 152 on Pete's mom's scale. I think that Augusta has more gravitational pull there. So I dont know that that was correct. However, I will say that it appears that I have regressed to being 7 months pregnant...at least in my own mind. I asked Pete to set my bike up on the trainer. I am thinking that I might want to start getting up at 6AM to work out. Wonder how long that will last? I've got to do something. 40 is coming on me fast! I have heard from several people that at 37 something really bad goes wrong with a woman's metabolism...why at 37 I dont have a clue...IVE GOT TO DO THIS THANG! I'd hate to have to bust out some maternity wear just cause I can't put down the sweet tea and biscuits!
Anyway, as a final sort of note...I found my dream car. Its a GMC (Government owned Motor Corp according to Pete) Acadia. I saw one this weekend. It has all the bells and whistles I have been dreaming about...and space. It seats 7. It has two captain's chairs in the middle and a bench in the back. It has a drop down DVD player. Can you say SWEEEEEETTTT??? The only problem that I have with it...the model I looked at was about 44k. Can you repeat after me..... OUCH!!?? So Ill be dreaming a little while longer on that one I guess. I sure do wish that I could win the lottery! We keep forgetting to play though...that doesn't help!
AWWWW and I thought I was at my last point...Im not. I have to say that I am SOOOOOO thankful to our GOOD LORD that he has blessed my friend Shannon Reid with a healthy, sweet, baby girl named Kylie! Shannon had open heart surgery while we were in NURSING SCHOOL! Yep she fell out right there on the Cardiac floor while we were having clinicals...how appropriate! So after having had open heart, gall bladder removal and a cardiac ablation for SVT (just like her sister Marci!!!)...she was able to have a child! Thank you GOD! AND some more AWESOME news!!!!....Missy and Marty (from Church) are having a baby BOY! Missy had had the most unfortunate experiences with losing 3 pregnancies...and God has blessed them with this fine little boy! I can not WAIT for him to come into this world! Thank YOU AGAIN LORD!
Can I just add one more thing??? Yeah I know, I dont write in ages and then I write a novel....I took some cold medicine so I guess my brain has decided to start working....no more pressure from my ears CLOSING IN ON MY THOUGHTS!!!
Anyway this final thought (for real!). While were were in Augusta at the river, waiting to see fireworks, something very interesting happened. We were sitting in the ampitheatre waiting (and waiting and waiting) to see the display....the girls were climbing all over the bleachers playing....up and down and back and forth.....When these two men came and sat down next to us. Now understand that there was plenty of room around and there was no need whatsoever for them to sit next to us...but these two men came and sat down from me about 5 feet. Those two men creeped me out. I instantly felt kind of sick to my stomach. I felt nervous and anxious. I felt something coming off of them that made my flesh crawl. And Lila suddenly said "Mama, I want to go!" She instantly moved away from them. And I added that I TOO WANTED TO LEAVE!!! And those two men got up and left! I asked Lila why she wanted to leave. She said that those men made her feel weird. After they left, I felt fine and Lila acted fine. It was the strangest thing. But I explained to Lila that if she EVER felt like that again, she needed to get away. God blesses us with intuition for a reason. And the thing is that those men weren't dirty or dressed in an unusual way...but something about them SCREAMED OUT at me and Lila!!! I told Lila that if she ever felt that way again, she should tell me. My radar was working and so was hers but if for some reason my radar was down, I wanted her to tell me. Always trust your instincts...ALWAYS!