Not going through the motions anymore

Just when you think that today is going to be like any other day....God starts tapping you on the shoulder and speaking to you!
This morning on the way in to work, Lyndi was in the back seat babbling on about the world around us. I was thinking about work and all of its goings on. Then my thoughts went to my Dad. I don't remember exactly how it all played out but I felt like God really wanted me to think about my relationship with my Dad. I love my Dad very much.
Last night at church, we were talking about what it really meant to fear the Lord. Does the Lord really want us to be afraid of HIM? And most of us agreed that the fear we are to have is a healthy, respectful, awe of God. For many, they likened their fear of the Lord to the same fear they had of their Dad growing up. And this thought of course spurred me to think about my own Dad.
Growing up, I was always a Daddy's girl. I loved my Dad so dearly. But my Dad is/was a big man. I really didn't have to fear him causing me great physical harm. But what I feared the most was the thought of disappointing my Dad. I didn't want to let my Dad down. My Dad always showed me great love growing up. Stopping at this thought would make one think that perhaps life was grand and full of loving perfection. Unfortunately that wasn't the whole truth about our relationship.
My Dad, despite being a great person and a loving Dad has a bad habit. My Dad is a drinker. I don't even like to just put this out there for the world to know. The thought of someone judging my Dad based upon that fact breaks my heart. For decades I have prayed that he would stop. A couple of times he came close. Unfortunately, because of the stress of life and circumstances, he has not quit. I think that if all of the stress of work, bills and obligations were gone, he could stop. Otherwise, my Dad will drink until....who knows.
So this morning, the thought hit me. For years and years, I think that I had told myself that I would and could love my Dad MORE if he just quit drinking. I love my Dad in spite of his habit. However, I have had to build up a defense mechanism to protect myself from the heart ache of his behavior. My Dad doesn't behave well when he drinks. Not that he is physically abusive or violent. He just has too much to say and doesn't do it in such a kind way. At any rate, this has built up a huge wall in my heart.
When I drive in to work, I pass the driveway to where my Dad works. I always think, every day as I pass by that Dad's up there on the hill working. And the thought hit me...one day...who knows when...Dad won't be up there on that hill working. Waiting until my Dad stops drinking to freely love him and show him how I feel may never ever come. That time or opportunity may never come my way. How would I feel knowing that I held back because I hated the sin? I withheld love for my Dad. When really, my Dad needs to know how much I really love him. That knowing that he is loved and supported could some day help clear the cloud from around his head and allow him to let go of his habit and fears.
I decided that I will, despite how I might feel about his behavior, let him know that I love him and appreciate him and that I thank God for him. So, I picked up my cell phone and told him so. He seemed to be in good spirits. I thought, what IF that call helped him to have a better day? What if sharing, loving, supporting that person, any person, made the difference of a lifetime? What if?
Today I made the promise to myself that I was going to make a point of going out of my way to let my Dad know how important he is to me. That when the day comes that my Dad is no longer working up there on that hill....I will know that he KNEW how much I loved and appreciated him. Because honoring my Dad is what our Father wants us to do for HIM. God wants to be honored. And really, we all want to be loved, appreciated and respected.
After I got of the phone with my Dad, a song by Matthew West came on the FISH called,"The Motions". God is always talking to me through signs (literal ones sometimes), dreams and music. That song touched my heart so much. It brought tears to my eyes. I got the message today loud and clear. I had a great day at work.
Life isn't about going through the motions. God wants us to feel and to be joyful. God wants us to love and feel fulfilled. God wants us to not be numb to life and its experiences but to to see that he is there in everything and wanting what is best for us.
A dear friend of mine tells me that she wants to be able to take a pill so that she doesn't have to feel LIFE anymore. Life is tough. Life is painful sometimes. These things are true. But if numbness is all that a person feels...then the Joy that we feel when we know the Lord wouldn't be able to exist. Sure we know that God is there with us when things are going well. But when things aren't going well...how much sweeter can life get than to KNOW that God has his hand on those things and is the one in control. It's no wonder to me that when times are so tough that I think that I might not make it ONE MORE DAY...if I pray to God for peace and comfort...I get it. God taking control of our lives and our problems...there is no sweeter, more certain peace.
So today, I pray that I don't just go through the motions of life. I want to be PRESENT. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to LIVE.

With Joy

Tonight Jerry sat there in his chair, tears were welled up in his eyes. It would be a couple of minutes before an uncontrolled tear would begin to fall out of his eye, to be swept away with his hand. His nose pinkened slightly. Those tears, usually reserved for sadness, were not for such at all...in fact, that tear was for his Dad. Jerry's Dad is a man of joy. Jerry says that despite diabetes and an array of other such debilitating diseases, his Father is a man of extreme, constant JOY. He said that his Father was an Ecclesiastes 12-13 man.

"I know that here is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in ones lifetime; moreover, that every man who eats and drinks see good in all his labor it is the gift of God."

I thought it sort of ironic that Jerry felt in such awe over his Dad being so joyous when Jerry too is a model of joy and ever faithfulness to us all! Jerry sat there speaking of his Dad in his chair...his WHEEL CHAIR . The wheel chair that he has been bound to and dependent on for decades since a football injury rendered him a quadriplegic. If the story ended with Jerry as a young man, battling inner demons for being cursed to a wheel chair for the rest of his life, we all might think that anyone could feel at least some bitterness for that to happen. Not Jerry. I'm not saying that Jerry hasn't probably had moments of sadness and grief. Who doesn't? But to talk to Jerry, one only hears of his love for his Lord and for his family.
Why is it that a person who is completely able bodied would feel inclined to go to someone like Jerry for advise and hope? Because Jerry is a very wise, God fearing man that has known God's greatest mercies and love and is not ashamed to share his experiences.
Jerry, although he has been limited physically to an extent, has managed to complete college, develop a wonderful ministry where he teaches teenagers at a private school, he is married and has two very beautiful children. Jerry has been blessed a million times over and he KNOWS IT! To see Jerry talk about his Faith and to share the Word of God is truly a treat! It will only take just a minute before the widest grin flashes over Jerry's face, expressing the great JOY that he has for the Lord!
One day, I can see Jerry's son or daughter speaking to a crowd, sharing the Word or their testimony and also expressing the admiration that they have for their Father Jerry, who always had the greatest smile on his face and WORDS of JOY to share! They would say that Jerry was an inspiration to them and to anyone that came in contact with him. They would feel a great sense of fulfillment when they could add that their Dad was one of the greatest examples of a Christian that they knew. They too will have tears well up in their eyes and in only a minute, one will begin to fall.

Catching up

It's seems to me that life is full of catching up! You can "catch up" with old friends..We have to get caught up on house work...Catch up on reading...We need to get caught up on things that are important. Its a never ending process of catching up. Its a state of being really...for me. For us. It doesn't seem that its ever something that is attainable. What would I do when I did actually catch up??? Die?
I haven't been such a great blogger as of late. I guess I need to catch up on that too. So I will try to bring everyone up to speed on my latest adventures, thoughts and meanderings.
I'll start with my least favorite subject of work. Work is what it is. I'm so grateful to have a job and be able to pay bills. I am like most people, under payed for the service, knowledge and ability that I bring to my job. I'm currently in a 3 month battle over getting paid for a day that I had to be out with my sick child. According to our work policy, if an employee works any part of the day they had to go home, they have to be paid. Well the powers that be, decided to be creative and consider it an UNEXCUSED ABSENCE....something that was not part of our policy. Well, after a bit of discussion, the powers decided that it wasn't fair to decide not to pay me...but I still haven't been paid. There is a WHOLE lot more involved and more stinkiness connected to all of this...but it makes for a sad employee. I'm not feeling the love right now. I'm hoping that this will all change.
The unfortunate thing to me is that when you have a job you love, its like any relationship...it seems that over time, things begin to change. "The honeymoon is over" sort of thing happens. Reality sets in. And its not that I don't still love my coworkers and my patients. Its just that my feelings have been hurt and the great pride I used to feel about my job....well...its been taken down a notch or two. Too bad they don't have work counselors like they have marriage counselors!! And please don't suggest to me that our HR person is the one that is supposed to handle this sort of thing......
Well, in true Marci form, I did it again!!!! This weekend, we (work) had a booth at a maternity fair. It was kind of neat getting to see all the cute little babies being toted around, some in slings and some in strollers. New mommies and mommies to be, paraded around, looking so content and happy! I love that. I don't miss that...but I love that! I didn't envy the cutie little mommies-to-be waddling around. Bellies poked out in all sorts of manners. Some looked like basketballs, some like oblong watermelons, some like little round pillows all out in front. Too cute. I didn't feel cute like that toward the end of both of my pregnancies and I WAS NOT cute in the last couple of months of my pregnancies!
But back to what I said that is so typical of me:
This little Mama was walking around carrying her almost 2 year old son, strapped across her in a sling. The little fellow was zonked out, oblivious to all the other screaming children and cooing mommies. His mom seemed to be a pro at toting her little man on her right hip. And as I found out after inquiry, she was pregnant with baby #2. WOW! Carrying at toddler and an unborn child....Daddy standing there with her....holding nothing.....
So I said something like,"Wow I bet carrying that baby around on your mommy hip that its probably caused you to walk bent over to one side all the time..." She replied,"No I just have scoliosis." As my buddy Steve said--Open mouth...insert foot!
Huh...well scoliosis will sure do that. I tried to recover by telling her that she should move him to the other hip to balance things out. Ok, so it was time to be packing up and taking myself to the house...but alas, I had a couple of more hours to go. A couple of more hours that I'm sure my salaried status won't be paying me for.
The other night, I was so in hopes of signing on to my blog to share the most awesome news I have heard recently...there has been a lot of really great news and praises amid all the stress and chaos of this life. But my computer and email account just wouldn't allow me to get on here to share the GOOD NEWS! So instead of a beautiful, elaborate story, I will keep it simple!
My friend Kitty, who is a single mom and has had to be creative in holding the household together (lately) financially...had multiple answered prayers! She got a small raise at work...but then another door opened that would allow her part time work with good pay! How AWESOME! Will she be "well to do" now? No, but God has shown her time and time again that he will provide for her and all of her needs as he sees fit. It has been so awesome to see how God has worked in her life! I really am in awe time and time again. God does answer prayers!! And just at the right time too.
Time, this thing that eludes most of us...thus we spend all of our time catching up....is an interesting thing. Tonight we went to dinner with some friends of mine that I knew from my teenage years. There we were, both couples married and with 2 girls. I remember going to their wedding! How neat to see each other, hairlines, facial lines and waist lines in slightly different spots than they once were! And how much wiser and more seasoned we all are! It was really great! It blows my mind to think that the last time I saw them, I was well over a decade younger. One whole decade. Almost two! Where does time go? I guess it goes wherever my waistline went and my nerves ran off to!