Not going through the motions anymore

Just when you think that today is going to be like any other day....God starts tapping you on the shoulder and speaking to you!
This morning on the way in to work, Lyndi was in the back seat babbling on about the world around us. I was thinking about work and all of its goings on. Then my thoughts went to my Dad. I don't remember exactly how it all played out but I felt like God really wanted me to think about my relationship with my Dad. I love my Dad very much.
Last night at church, we were talking about what it really meant to fear the Lord. Does the Lord really want us to be afraid of HIM? And most of us agreed that the fear we are to have is a healthy, respectful, awe of God. For many, they likened their fear of the Lord to the same fear they had of their Dad growing up. And this thought of course spurred me to think about my own Dad.
Growing up, I was always a Daddy's girl. I loved my Dad so dearly. But my Dad is/was a big man. I really didn't have to fear him causing me great physical harm. But what I feared the most was the thought of disappointing my Dad. I didn't want to let my Dad down. My Dad always showed me great love growing up. Stopping at this thought would make one think that perhaps life was grand and full of loving perfection. Unfortunately that wasn't the whole truth about our relationship.
My Dad, despite being a great person and a loving Dad has a bad habit. My Dad is a drinker. I don't even like to just put this out there for the world to know. The thought of someone judging my Dad based upon that fact breaks my heart. For decades I have prayed that he would stop. A couple of times he came close. Unfortunately, because of the stress of life and circumstances, he has not quit. I think that if all of the stress of work, bills and obligations were gone, he could stop. Otherwise, my Dad will drink until....who knows.
So this morning, the thought hit me. For years and years, I think that I had told myself that I would and could love my Dad MORE if he just quit drinking. I love my Dad in spite of his habit. However, I have had to build up a defense mechanism to protect myself from the heart ache of his behavior. My Dad doesn't behave well when he drinks. Not that he is physically abusive or violent. He just has too much to say and doesn't do it in such a kind way. At any rate, this has built up a huge wall in my heart.
When I drive in to work, I pass the driveway to where my Dad works. I always think, every day as I pass by that Dad's up there on the hill working. And the thought hit me...one day...who knows when...Dad won't be up there on that hill working. Waiting until my Dad stops drinking to freely love him and show him how I feel may never ever come. That time or opportunity may never come my way. How would I feel knowing that I held back because I hated the sin? I withheld love for my Dad. When really, my Dad needs to know how much I really love him. That knowing that he is loved and supported could some day help clear the cloud from around his head and allow him to let go of his habit and fears.
I decided that I will, despite how I might feel about his behavior, let him know that I love him and appreciate him and that I thank God for him. So, I picked up my cell phone and told him so. He seemed to be in good spirits. I thought, what IF that call helped him to have a better day? What if sharing, loving, supporting that person, any person, made the difference of a lifetime? What if?
Today I made the promise to myself that I was going to make a point of going out of my way to let my Dad know how important he is to me. That when the day comes that my Dad is no longer working up there on that hill....I will know that he KNEW how much I loved and appreciated him. Because honoring my Dad is what our Father wants us to do for HIM. God wants to be honored. And really, we all want to be loved, appreciated and respected.
After I got of the phone with my Dad, a song by Matthew West came on the FISH called,"The Motions". God is always talking to me through signs (literal ones sometimes), dreams and music. That song touched my heart so much. It brought tears to my eyes. I got the message today loud and clear. I had a great day at work.
Life isn't about going through the motions. God wants us to feel and to be joyful. God wants us to love and feel fulfilled. God wants us to not be numb to life and its experiences but to to see that he is there in everything and wanting what is best for us.
A dear friend of mine tells me that she wants to be able to take a pill so that she doesn't have to feel LIFE anymore. Life is tough. Life is painful sometimes. These things are true. But if numbness is all that a person feels...then the Joy that we feel when we know the Lord wouldn't be able to exist. Sure we know that God is there with us when things are going well. But when things aren't going well...how much sweeter can life get than to KNOW that God has his hand on those things and is the one in control. It's no wonder to me that when times are so tough that I think that I might not make it ONE MORE DAY...if I pray to God for peace and comfort...I get it. God taking control of our lives and our problems...there is no sweeter, more certain peace.
So today, I pray that I don't just go through the motions of life. I want to be PRESENT. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to LIVE.