Hidden Sorrow

Here's the thing about Alcoholism or even drug abuse/addiction....
If you are the loved one on the receiving end of the bad business, I guarantee that there is a deep hidden sorrow in your heart because of that person.
Nothing is harder in life than to watch a person that you love make mistakes. For years I have grown up around people that have decided to take the path of least resistance and over indulge in either alcohol or drugs. Unfortunately, I have a couple of family members that have a long history of alcohol use. I say that it is alcohol abuse. I believe...and no I haven't checked with AA on this, but if a person feels the need to use these substances on a fairly regular basis to in any way alter their mood, allow them to cope, to help them unwind and relieve stress....they are likely an addict. If they can not or will not use any other means to deal with stress, loneliness, depression, feeling overwhelmed or sad, then they definitely have a problem. For years, I have heard the need for alcohol described as the need to "relax." I hate that term. I will always have negativity attached to the word. Isn't that ironic?
But about my hidden sorrow...
Nothing has been so heart breaking for me to watch my loved one resort to drinking on a near nightly basis. This need for this substance to help him "relax" has been going on for as long as I can remember. And the really sad thing is that alcohol may dull his pain but it only heightens mine. Being around this person while he is under the influence, causes me great anxiety and makes me have a sick twinge in my stomach. Alcohol reeks. It seeps out through a person's pores. Not just in the way of the stench of alcohol but of how it affects them as being. I know all too well that change in his voice once he has started for the night. His voice cracks and his speech slurs. While walking, there usually is a slight pull to one side. The volume of his voice rises. He has to repeat himself over and over gaining volume to help you understand his point. Then if you do not agree or comply with his hearts desires, that alcohol demon may lurch out at you and curse your very existence. Its amazing how alcohol can convince a person that they OBVIOUSLY ARE RIGHT about any topic they wish to discuss!
Its amazing to me that this drug that is used to create such peace and relaxation can actually lead to a melt down into tears, sobbing and wailing. When working as a police officer I used to be witness to these exact same behaviors. Perhaps its just inner frustrations that can't escape but through tears. Who knows if that person even realizes what brought that bout of emotion on.
The hard part of being the loved one is that sometimes accusations of not loving that person come up when the drinker is accused of being less than perfect due to drinking. When that person is encouraged to seek help or to stop drinking, they some how think that this is your way of saying that they are some how not worthy of love. Little do they know that the opposite is the truth but alcohol lies to them and convinces them that to have another drink will help ease this pain they are feeling and help them to cope with unloving loved ones.
How odd it is to love someone so much and have the utmost respect for them when they are sober. But once they are under then influence of the beast, they become someone, something unrecognizable. They become hurtful and seemingly uncaring. They become that person that you can not feel not even and ounce of respect for. Your sorrow grows greater than the amount of respect you can feel for them.
So what can be done about someone that chooses to be an alcoholic or drug addict? For years I have suggested help. For years I have cried about this situation and about this person. For years I have prayed for him. I have prayed that his depression will be lifted. I have prayed that his finances will improve or that work will become less burdensome. I have prayed that he will know that I truly love him more than most anything but I can not deal with the alcohol. Hate the sin and love the sinner. I do! I love him so much.
So for now, I will keep praying. I will pray for guidance. I will pray for peace. I will keep my promise to my own family that I will NEVER EVER do that to them. I wont put them through that. Hidden sorrow. I hope that I never cause that pit in the stomach feeling. I hope I don't cause the type of sorrow that makes us lie in bed at night weeping for that someone.