I was talking to our pastor's wife yesterday at a birthday party and she brought up the subject of marriages under fire. The initial conversation came about because a teen that she knows is talking about moving in with their significant other. She was discussing the statistics of divorce for people that live together before marriage. She said that 60% of those livin in sin marriages end up in divorce. The odds aren't good at all. I commented to Pete later that since we did live together before marriage for a short while and since this is both of our second marriages, that we really have all the odds against us. Supposedly, second marriages have an 80% chance of failure. WHEW! Its a wonder we have stayed married this long! But let me say that the last 8 years would not have been possible if I had actually thrown in the towel every time we had a serious disagreement or battle of the minds.
The thing about marriage is this: No one bothers to tell you the REAL truth about marriage. Yea, sure people will tell you that marriage is no fairy tale. Well, thats easy to figure out quickly enough. I didn't go into my marriage with Pete thinking that he was Prince Charming! And I knew from experience that no matter how much you wish a person would change, you can not CHANGE anyone that isn't willing. I made the mistake with my first marriage... of seeing the potential in someone that did NOT want to be changed!
Married folk always tell you that before you get married, you should sit down and discuss the following topics to make sure you see eye to eye with your mate:
1) Money
2) Child rearing and number of children
3) Sex
I believe that there are several more topics that should be discussed prior to marrying Mr or Mrs Right......
1) Where for the holidays and special occasions? I can not tell you the number of discussions we have had over this...the stress...the angst...the parental guilt trips layed on us. It gets 6000000 times worse when you have children...trust me on this fact!
2) What to do if one of you snores? Or even just....Are we ever allowed to sleep in separate bedrooms for whatever reason? After a recent discussion with a friend, I found out that she was astonished that her dad and stepmom have slept in separate rooms for decades. I told her that sometimes snoring and a history of a bad back or restless leg syndrome can lead to that!
3) Will you still love me after I gain 20-30 pounds? Will you still be attracted to me? Thats a real honest question for both partners. Men, dont even begin to say that women are the only ones to "let themselves go" after marriage!
4) What happens if one of the partner suffers a serious illness or mental illness? In talking to a friend recently, I found out that a few people have expressed their own dissatisfaction over his choice to stay with his spouse after finding out that she has a mental illness.....
5) What if one of the spouses gets arrested? I used to work with a guy who had been married for nearly a decade to a woman. After about 10 yrs of marriage and 2 kids later, his wife got arrested for embezzlement. Stay or not stay? He stayed.
6) How much of a cheap skate are you? Our pastor's wife told me that if there is a difference in price of even 4 cents, our pastor is going for the cheaper one! Never mind if the more expensive (a whole 4 cents!!) one is better...like peanut butter....Its got to be JIF!! Some things you just cant compromise on! She said that he was a Colgate man and she was a Crest woman. These things matter people. If you think they don't, just bring home the wrong tooth paste...or let your man go out and buy the NO NAME BRAND tampons or wingless pads......Then let him explain that the NO NAMERS were cheaper! YEA.............
7) If you marry young and you are into the bar scene, like to look at porn, like to cuss a lot or hang out with less than desirable friends.....YOU BETTER DISCUSS THIS...because when your first baby comes along and Daddy still wants to participate in the aforementioned activities or Mommy cant stand to have her OWN social life cut into......THERE's GOING TO BE TROUBLE!!! If you marry a drunk, 9 times out of 10, they are going to still be a drunk after you marry!! If you marry someone that likes to go to the T&A bars, they are probably still going to want to go to those places even after you are married....Im just saying...
8) Even though the first year or two are still part of the Honeymoon Phase of marriage, please discuss what steps you plan to take when you get in a rut. Not just a personal rut but financial, sex, job, marital or otherwise. Any of these things CAN and probably will happen. Life isn't always easy. Life can be boring sometimes. Marriage can be boring at times. What are you going to do about it??
I've touched on a few topics of discussion. Unmarried people, you have to know that there are plenty more topics that NEED to be discussed. And of course, as life would have it, things change. What you think you know about what you want today, may change tomorrow. But having a game plan helps I think.
Personally, I believe that marriage takes a lot of work. I think that the most important way to stay married and have a healthy relationship is to trust in God. Pray together. Pray separately. As God if it is HIS WILL for you to marry this person. God will let you know. You have to keep your heart and mind open to his response. And for goodness sakes, don't be afraid to ask for help! If you are having marital troubles, don't wait until you hate each other before you talk to someone. And make sure that you are talking openly and lovingly to your spouse FIRST! Pete and I have had many discussions about our marriage...both good and bad. That's life. I just pray that we beat those 60 and 80% odds for failure. So far, so good!
The thing about marriage is this: No one bothers to tell you the REAL truth about marriage. Yea, sure people will tell you that marriage is no fairy tale. Well, thats easy to figure out quickly enough. I didn't go into my marriage with Pete thinking that he was Prince Charming! And I knew from experience that no matter how much you wish a person would change, you can not CHANGE anyone that isn't willing. I made the mistake with my first marriage... of seeing the potential in someone that did NOT want to be changed!
Married folk always tell you that before you get married, you should sit down and discuss the following topics to make sure you see eye to eye with your mate:
1) Money
2) Child rearing and number of children
3) Sex
I believe that there are several more topics that should be discussed prior to marrying Mr or Mrs Right......
1) Where for the holidays and special occasions? I can not tell you the number of discussions we have had over this...the stress...the angst...the parental guilt trips layed on us. It gets 6000000 times worse when you have children...trust me on this fact!
2) What to do if one of you snores? Or even just....Are we ever allowed to sleep in separate bedrooms for whatever reason? After a recent discussion with a friend, I found out that she was astonished that her dad and stepmom have slept in separate rooms for decades. I told her that sometimes snoring and a history of a bad back or restless leg syndrome can lead to that!
3) Will you still love me after I gain 20-30 pounds? Will you still be attracted to me? Thats a real honest question for both partners. Men, dont even begin to say that women are the only ones to "let themselves go" after marriage!
4) What happens if one of the partner suffers a serious illness or mental illness? In talking to a friend recently, I found out that a few people have expressed their own dissatisfaction over his choice to stay with his spouse after finding out that she has a mental illness.....
5) What if one of the spouses gets arrested? I used to work with a guy who had been married for nearly a decade to a woman. After about 10 yrs of marriage and 2 kids later, his wife got arrested for embezzlement. Stay or not stay? He stayed.
6) How much of a cheap skate are you? Our pastor's wife told me that if there is a difference in price of even 4 cents, our pastor is going for the cheaper one! Never mind if the more expensive (a whole 4 cents!!) one is better...like peanut butter....Its got to be JIF!! Some things you just cant compromise on! She said that he was a Colgate man and she was a Crest woman. These things matter people. If you think they don't, just bring home the wrong tooth paste...or let your man go out and buy the NO NAME BRAND tampons or wingless pads......Then let him explain that the NO NAMERS were cheaper! YEA.............
7) If you marry young and you are into the bar scene, like to look at porn, like to cuss a lot or hang out with less than desirable friends.....YOU BETTER DISCUSS THIS...because when your first baby comes along and Daddy still wants to participate in the aforementioned activities or Mommy cant stand to have her OWN social life cut into......THERE's GOING TO BE TROUBLE!!! If you marry a drunk, 9 times out of 10, they are going to still be a drunk after you marry!! If you marry someone that likes to go to the T&A bars, they are probably still going to want to go to those places even after you are married....Im just saying...
8) Even though the first year or two are still part of the Honeymoon Phase of marriage, please discuss what steps you plan to take when you get in a rut. Not just a personal rut but financial, sex, job, marital or otherwise. Any of these things CAN and probably will happen. Life isn't always easy. Life can be boring sometimes. Marriage can be boring at times. What are you going to do about it??
I've touched on a few topics of discussion. Unmarried people, you have to know that there are plenty more topics that NEED to be discussed. And of course, as life would have it, things change. What you think you know about what you want today, may change tomorrow. But having a game plan helps I think.
Personally, I believe that marriage takes a lot of work. I think that the most important way to stay married and have a healthy relationship is to trust in God. Pray together. Pray separately. As God if it is HIS WILL for you to marry this person. God will let you know. You have to keep your heart and mind open to his response. And for goodness sakes, don't be afraid to ask for help! If you are having marital troubles, don't wait until you hate each other before you talk to someone. And make sure that you are talking openly and lovingly to your spouse FIRST! Pete and I have had many discussions about our marriage...both good and bad. That's life. I just pray that we beat those 60 and 80% odds for failure. So far, so good!
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