After dinner thoughts

Its Sunday again. Once a week we have a repeat of the same....
This week and weekend was different. The weeks are always different. We have the same days but they always bring some new and interesting occurrence. Otherwise, I guess we would just shrivel up and die of the blahs!
This week, I am still recovering from my heart ablation. Not so much in that I had pain and such. Its just an adjustment, having to learn a new life without that strange surge in my heart rate. In the last week, my heart would get a little excited, feel like it might build up to something and just fizzle out. The doctor told me this would happen. The thing that I noticed more is that I have been a little more nervous. I have been nervously anticipating change. I have had strange feelings (emotions even) during this time. My greatest fear is that I am going to have anxiety. WHAT IF this heart stuff really was just anxiety. Crazy I know. Why not just set myself up for failure.
A couple of weekends ago, I was talking to a lady that I go to church with. She told me that she always gets depressed during the holidays. Her children (and grand kids) recently moved out of the country. I told her that she needed to correct her way of thinking. She needed NOT to say that she ALWAYS gets depressed during the holidays. That's a self fulfilling prophesy. If you say you are then you ARE. Why not say that this holiday season, I'm going to feel comforted. I am going to feel thankful. I am going to feel fulfilled. Pete told me that I sounded just like my old doctors that used to say,"Marci, you just have to get your mind right!" And I hate more than anything that I might have sounded like that. That's not what I meant. Depression and anxiety are tricky demons. If you ever read Joyce Meyers, "Battlefield of the Mind", she says, " Whatever you may be facing or experiencing right now in your life, I am encouraging you to GO THROUGH IT and NOT GIVE UP!" "Its easy to quit; it takes faith to go through." By my friend saying that she ALWAYS gets depressed, I think about what Joyce says about "...avoidance of hope is a type of protection against being hurt. Disappointment hurts! So rather than be hurt again, many people simply refuse to hope or to believe that anything good will ever happened to them. This type of behavior sets up a negative lifestyle. Everything becomes negative because the thoughts are negative. Remember Proverbs 23:7: "For as he thinks in his heart, so he is...." Joyce explains what our tried and true Bible tells us.
Joyce also talks about this fear of anxiety I have. She too must have gone through something similar. She asked God one time, "What is this feeling I always have?" God responded, " Evil forebodings." She said that she didn't know what that meant at the time. She found in Proverbs 15:15: All the days for the desponding and afflicted are made evil [ by anxious thoughts and forebodings], but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances]."
She said that she realized that at that time most of her life has been miserable due to these evil thoughts and forebodings. She admits that she did have times when certain circumstances were hard but even when she didn't, she was still miserable. Her thoughts were "poisoning my outlook and robbing me of ability to enjoy life and see good days."
Philippians 4:6 A verse that I love but I always have a hard time just being still and letting it be : Do not fret of have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything , by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.
Don't get me wrong. I am no longer that nervous, anxiety ridden person that I once was. I was afraid of life. I even used to have a hypersensitive nervous reflex. If I heard a loud noise or someone unexpectedly tapped me to get my attention, I would practically jump out of my skin. It was a JOLT. I worried about EVERYTHING. I could "what if" anything and everything to DEATH! Fortunately for me though, I found support and guidance.
First, I found the utmost support in God's word. I saw a newly diagnosed, cancer patient reading "Battlefield of the Mind" while she was receiving treatment. She told me that she needed all the support she could get. She found comfort in what Joyce had to say about God and faith. I did too when I read it. She helped me see that God was really a loving God that was there to help me have peace.
Secondly, I sought out council. I began talking to a mental health counselor. She was a very nice person. Unfortunately, she moved shortly after I started seeing her. But in the few visits I had with her, I found out some very interesting things about myself.
I asked her why, when I was in my 20's, I was a police officer. I feared nothing. I wasn't afraid of the world. Then suddenly, without warning, I feel like I am afraid of everything. She asked me if this all started after having children. I told her it had. She told me that having children changes everything. We go (as moms) from having to look out for numero uno (myself) to suddenly having to protect our precious little ones from a very scary, dangerous world. Its instinctual. I had never thought of it like that. I thought I was just over reacting to life in general.
Third, I found that taking an antidepressant helped me. It took the edge off. I wasn't quite so hypervigilant. I never experienced that "I just don't care!!" attitude that some people describe. But I was finally able to deal with things a little more.
When I began having problems with my heart, I was also in nursing school, raising a 2 year old, married, had a step child and an ex wife to deal with. I can see why doctors brushed my heart issue off. But after hearing that I might possibly have a fatal heart rhythm called Wolfe Parkinson White syndrome and being under a tremendous amount of stress from school AND being BROKE financially AND thinking that Pete might have to raise our child alone, SCARED ME TO DEATH! So I know that I did develop anxiety and eventually some depression (mostly after having Lyndi). Life can be very demanding. And frankly, I couldn't handle all of the pressures that Life had to offer. Instead of being able to build up a strong hold, I crumbled.
But eventually I was able to dig myself out of the dark hole that I fell into. I was able to find peace, mostly through my faith. And then, I was able to (after 4 years) find doctors that were willing to take the time to figure out what was really going on with my heart.
So this FEAR of anxiety (which is really only fear in the first place!!!!) that I have been experiencing, I know Ill be ok. I know that no matter what, I am not alone. God is looking out for me and is with me constantly. And I know that God's word never changes. Maybe if I get a free moment some time during the week, I will pick Joyce's book up again and read. Im truly grateful that God places people, things, opportunities and such in our lives...just at the right moment.