Update on life

My Grandma died today. She died of renal failure. She was my last living grandparent. I am somewhat ashamed to say that I have not seen her since Lila was about a year and a half old. Pete and I took her over to see my Grandma at my Aunt Vivian's house. She was sitting in a chair, looking much older and a whole lot more frail than I had remembered. I had remembered right, she was much more frail.

My Grandma was married to my Granddaddy for 50 years. I got to celebrate their anniversary with them. He died not long after that. He was such a good man and I loved him dearly.

My Grandma, lived with my Aunt Vivian for a long time. My Aunt Vivian is married to my ex husband's father. That always made things a little weird to me. I liked my ex's dad fine. I just never went around. They all smoked. My Grandma was frail and had some dementia. It was all just kind of odd for me. So despite living less than 20 minutes from my Grandma (since moving where we live now), I never saw her after our visit with baby Lila. She never met Lyndi.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and told her that my Grandma was sick and in the hospital. I told her that I hadnt seen her. She asked me if I would feel regret for not having seen her for a long time if she died. I told her that I didnt know.

The truth about this whole situation is this. I love my Grandma. I have many childhood memories of her and my Granddaddy. I think she must have known that I loved her. I hope so. I think, I'll see her again. Oh that day when I see her and my Granddaddy (whom I have missed SO MUCH) again. I thought that if I went and tried to have a close relationship with a slightly demented Grandma, that may not really be able to keep me in context or remember my children (she had several grandchildren), I thought that might not be the best situation. My Dad has always kept her up to date on us kids. Im sure he has shown her pictures and talked about us. She knew about my heart issue. She knew when I had been hospitalized. I have prayed for her and I bet (being a good Christian woman) she has prayed for me.

So here I am. I am thinking about her. I kind of wish that I had seen her at the hospital yesterday or today. I did not really know that things were going to come to an end so quickly. When do we ever know really? But she died with her family around. She was a loved woman. I guess I just loved her from a distance. I bet she just loved me from a distance. That's ok I guess.

I dont know of the plans for her funeral yet. I think Ill find that out tomorrow. I figure that they will have her funeral on Tuesday. When I go to the funeral, I wonder if I will get looks from anyone. Here I am showing up when the woman dies for goodness sakes...where was I when she was alive? But like I said, I think she knew I loved her. Whether anyone else had to know...that's not my concern. I'll be able to tell her one day...again.