Just Call Me MAMA Monkey

For anyone that has known me for a while or worked with me in any of my previous jobs, knows what kind of freak I am about tags, lint, hair or unusual body stuff (hair, moles, scars, etc..). My new boss is just now finding out who/what I really am.
While I was in the hospital for a little heart arrhythmia, my PCP asked me a simple question that I think I may have lied a little about in my response. He asked me if I am OCD. I think my response was "Naaaaaaaahhhh." And truly I am not one those people that have to check and recheck things. I dont ever get "stuck" trying to close a door or cabinet. But dog gone it if I dont spot things that need correction!! I cant just let those dogs lye either!!!
For instance, my surgeon (he is mine now, BLESS HIS HEART) wears scrubs to the office. And his stinkin tag sticks up out of his shirt. For some reason, scrub shirts always have this problem. Well, I CAN NOT have my surgeon walking around looking crazy so I have to tuck that tag!! One day, I nearly tackled him, held him still and CUT his tag out!! I should have cut today's tag out too!
My "boss", David, discovered how observant I am on approximately the second day of my employment. I happened to notice that he had a mole behind his left ear. I said, "David, I dont know if you are aware of this or not, but you have a mole behind your left ear." He told me "thanks for noticing" but he already knew that little factoid. I figured that if he was not aware, what if that thing decided to mutate and become a melanoma?? They might have to cut off his whole ear!! That would suck wouldnt it!
Today Pete came by the office and David had to mention the whole ear issue to him. Pete didnt even flinch. He was like, "you should see how she goes after me!" I think David felt sorry for him! David described in detail exactly how I pounced upon him, seizing his ear and exclaiming how he had a mole on the back. I dont really recall it happening like that....but whatever his aging mind wanted to log that memory as...so be it!
So let me just take this opportunity to address some things that grab my attention so if you happen to have one of these problems, you might want to avoid me until you have had the opportunity to address this issue yourself. For instance, the following really grab my attention:
1) Tags on shirts
2) Lint on clothing-that includes hair, strings or random confetti like objects.
3) Weird growing hairs-the sort that grows off of ears that are 3 feet long, stray eyebrow hairs that could be used to wire bridges or string cable for tv, hairs that are unruly and dont want to lay down with the rest of the crew and nose hairs.......those are never good!!!! With hair, I have to admit that I am reluctant to touch a lot of hair...because just look at where those things are growing out of....men are the worst! However, a nice nose hair trimmer for Christmas may be just the thing!!! Pete admitted to me today that he had noticed some ear hairs on someone he knew...its CONTAGIOUS!!!!
4) Food in teeth or BEARS in the cave. I am a true friend, I will tell you if you have either of these. The thought of the embarrassment you might face once you realize that you have walked around all day like this...its too much for me to stand so Ill tell you...or just hand you a tissue.
5)Untied shoes (safety hazard that drives me nuts) and unzipped zippers....yea buddy...XYZPDQ!!!!
6)Jewelry that is hanging wrong. If the clasp is in the front..turn it around. Earrings that are hanging halfway out of the ear....NOPE..I gotta tell you!
One might think (falsely) that I am hypercritical of others and thats why I am so nit picky of others...as if I am being judgemental or something......They couldnt be further from the truth. I think that I just have an inner fear of wandering around with boogers showing in my nose and having a strange hair growing out of my forehead. I want someone to tell me!! Please be discreet. Dont point and laugh or say EWWWWWW!!! Come on now! I want people to look and feel their best! Plus if you have a skin lesion that could be cancerous, I might just save your life!!!!
So please just bear with me!! If you have a piece of lint, just let me pick it off. Dont think that I am literally picking AT YOU! Just let me be nit picky and dont think anything of it! Your own Mama would likely lick her finger and rub the black spot off of your face! I probably wont do that but I will hand you a baby wipe!! Just dont be offended ok? Just realize that Pete calls me Mama Monkey for a reason and just let it go. I am who I am. I cant help that! Call me weird...you wont be the first. But at least you wont be walking around looking silly with a piece of string hanging off your back! Or walk around with your skirt tucked in your panty hose!