Baggage

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Baggage...
We all have it. Some people's baggage is carry on size..others are the carry on, the garment bag, the roll behind and the extra large duffel bag with rollers. When I married Pete, I knew that our marriage was coming together with some fairly heavy baggage for the simple fact that Pete had been married and had a child. Of course I never really thought about how some of the baggage would come with his ex's name tag labeled on it! But alas, we have been married for almost 8 years. And, some of that baggage got shed in the last year or so....Thank the Lord.
But then there is MY baggage. Back when I was 23, I married a fellow (some of you know him personally and witnessed this whole event...he will go nameless for blogging purposes) that I had met through work. Now, on the outside, I might have appeared at 23 like I was very confident and some what intimidating to the opposite sex. I was fairly athletic, tall, slender and opinionated. Right before me and the ex got married, I started working with the UGA police.
BUT...despite the outside display of confidence, I think I suffered from a bit of a low self esteem. I grew up thinking that I always had to have the approval of others. I needed acceptance. I had at that point kind of strayed away from going to church. I definitely didnt have a church "home." I had been a SERIAL monogamist (dating one person for approximately 2 years, breaking up and dating the next person for 2 years.) I had been going to college for a while and just didnt know what I wanted to do with my life. So I didnt have a degree or a sense of COMPLETION at that point in time.
SO then I met my ex. I think of him now like a con man. He had an incredible talent of telling me what I wanted (needed) to hear. For the first time, this tomboy athlete was "pretty," "beautiful," "SMART," "funny" and (get this) "fun." Jeans and a t shirt (my basic wardrobe) was not frumpy or boring. And you know how when you think your life is bad and you hear about someone else's train wreck for a life and you feel better?? Well he had the train wreck. Dysfunctional....described his whole life. Now dont get me wrong...dysfunctional fits my life easily too....just to a lesser degree. So all of a sudden I had all the great qualities and I was NEEDED. Someone loved me and NEEDED me.
I know this sounds sad and pathetic...but the thing is, I think a lot of young girls today are seeking these things too. I have spent my whole life trying to get approval because of some childhood issues. So when I cast out my line, I came back with this one. Our girls need help knowing how great they are...from both parents. Otherwise, the sad truth is that they are going to seek it out from someone else..usually a member of the opposite sex.
So I got married. I brought my carry on luggage and a suitcase. And before I even headed into the marriage I knew it was a bad idea. But I did not think that I deserved better or could ever find better. Plus I thought, dysfunctional + dysfunctional = potential for improvement.....Ok I was only 23. What did I know???
Well...so then Mr Dysfunctional starts bringing some of that baggage into the living room. Scattered it around the bedroom. Stacked it up on the couch. I think that DEPRESSION started to come out. ANGER from the past. LETHARGY from depression and anger showed up at the door. And we had a mess. Lies, lies, lies and manipulation started. Suddenly I wasnt so pretty and smart...instead I was a NAG and bossy. Hygiene went to the way side (good sign of depression). SLEEPING increased (another flag). Then strange people called the house for him (of my sex not his). I could not see myself living the next 50 years in a situation like that. So I got out.
I guess in a way it was a really good thing that I was young when I experienced that. Because if I had been in a situation like that for 20 years and THEN had to get out...its a lot harder to get out when you are 40 something when you have a house payment, cars, children, extended families and all the other bonds that are formed in marriages.But the thing I was most glad to get out of this experience at 25 was the knowledge of what I wanted out of a REAL marriage and a SPOUSE.
Now the last 8 years of our marriage (mine and Pete's) havent EVER been that fairytale marriage that young girls dream of....But I have a spouse thats honest, faithful, hardworking, a Christian and in this for the long haul. Yes we have had a few "disagreements" over the baggage...ok maybe more than a few. There have been hurt feelings and anger. But no one has ever said that marriage was easy. Most people say you have to work at marriage. And I think that is ESPECIALLY true for 2nd marriages (since most end in divorce).
So now the end of the story....I was contacted via birthday card by Mr. Ex. It was a strange experience for me. He informed me that he didnt hate me. Well here is an excerpt:
I guess you were glad to hear that I moved to --- ------. I don't hate you Marci. You did what you had to do with your life. I think about you every once and a while. I hope everyday brings you closer to what you want.
And truthfully, I never once thought in the last 8-9 years that I havent spoken to him about whether or not he hated me. I never thought about that baggage at all....well except to ask for forgiveness from God for breaking a promise of marriage before him (God). I felt horrible about that. But God does forgive and show mercy...even for that I think.
So then he told me that he wanted to ask me a question. He wouldnt come out right about it. But I think he wanted to know why I left. Like pregnancy and childbirth, I think he has forgotten all the goings on during our brief marriage. And the fact that he remarried also, must have made him forget WHY we divorced. But he added:
When you left me you destroyed me. I loved you so much. Your the one who broke our wedding promise. And who are you to judge me.
I'm just reaching out to you to because your a part of my life (BAGGAGE)that has been left in question. I don't want you to be angry with me. I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to who knows you then I'm here.
So I have spent some time thinking about my old piece of luggage that I toted around for a while. It was worn, duct taped, frayed and soiled (by lies and disgust). And I thought about my new set of luggage. The one that I acquired when Pete and I married. I love my new luggage. Its got a few holes in it. Its heavy some times. REALLY heavy sometimes. Sometimes I want to pack it up and move to the mountains. Sometimes I want to sit it out on the curb for Monday morning trash pickup. But I dont. I keep it. Its got all the things I need in it. Its durable. Its flexible. Its not flashy or gaudy. Its OURS. Mine and Pete's.
And really, I dont need someone else that thinks that they REALLY know me...back from 8-9 years ago. Im no longer 23 years old. Im no longer that young girl that has to hear that Im pretty and smart all the time (sometimes is good). And I am bossy....I have two little ones that I have to boss around. I have approval from my little family. Im the Mama.
So that old piece of baggage that I hadnt thought about in a long time or angsted about....its going to the curb at the end of our driveway for trash pickup. God already forgave me for my mistake. Im going to let the trashman take away that old burden in the morning!!!oh and PS: he emailed me some pics of him and his new wife....he was wearing a bathing suit and no shirt. Now cant you just see me emailing pics of me in a bikini to ex loves??? Not that I am ashamed. I think I look pretty good for 35 and 2 kids later. Pale but good! :) But I can promise you that the last image I wanted to see was of my EX half naked......