Test Anxiety

You know those awful dreams where you find yourself sitting in class and its test time and you dont have a clue whats been going on in class for the last...ummmm year or more and nothing on the test looks remotely familiar or makes any kind of sense? AND you are probably naked or have gas or something horrible... like you wore the wrong clothes and everyone hates you???!! GASP!! PANIC! I hate those stinking dreams and I have been having a lot of them lately. Either that or I dream that I am at work and Im clueless...which is probably close to how I feel sometimes. I dreamt the other night that I literally had on two different shoes. They were even different colors. I think one was red and the other blue. So that told me two things 1) I dream in color 2) Im anxious about being clueless.
I have always been my own worst critic. Despite my somewhat calm outward appearance, I really am somewhat of a perfectionist on the inside. I dont like doing anything half heartedly. Now, does that mean that I always get everything 100%? Absolutely not! But I do try very hard. And if I fail, who do you think is going to beat me up the most? Yea..me. I have always been like that too. I remember when I was in 4th grade and we had to take our spelling test home to have it signed. I had done really poorly on the test. I was terribly ashamed. I didnt want my parents to know that I had failed. I hate failure! And so I decided in my 4th grade mind that I could probably pull off trying to sign my Dad's signature. So I tried to trace his name out. I probably had some awkward breaks in some of the letters as I was trying to save my own skin. So after I thought I had done a decent job at forging his signature I turned it in to my teacher the next morning. I was sick to my stomach.
That afternoon, my teacher handed me a note. I had to take the note home to my Dad. I knew I had been found out. I wanted to throw up! I waited as late as I could to give that note to my Dad. I really wanted to die for disappointing him. I just knew he was going to beat my tail! I waited and waited and waited. Finally my Dad called me into the living room. I had been hiding out in my bedroom dreading still being alive!
My Dad asked me if I knew why I got a letter sent home. I spilled my guts. He asked me if I knew why I had gotten a letter home instead of going to see the Principle to get a paddling? I did not have a clue. I figured that my teacher thought that a good flogging with my Dad's 1970's model leather belt, would do a criminal forger like me a lot of good! Instead, he said that when I started school, he had told my teacher not to send me to the office to see the Principle. He wanted her to write him a note and let him know what I had done.
Would you know that my Dad only talked to me and never gave me a spanking for that?! I had enough guilt and shame to last nearly a year after that crime spree. If I had gone to see the Principle and gotten a good butt whoopin, I would have gotten over that in a day or two. But the thought of letting my Dad down......torture!
So anyway, today, I was nursing SUPERVISOR of the ENTIRE hospital. ME! Let me just say that I prayed last night and this morning that all would go well. God was with me today. No codes, no fires, no disasters and basically no problems! I filled in for another nurse that was out sick. But let me just say that I had to do a shoe check this morning to make sure I had on a matching pair!! And I did have on clothes...never mind that I had on striped underwear underneath tan scrub pants. I bet when I bent over that you could see the stripes! Not cool! But if that was the worst of my problems, that was ok!!!
Alas, I survived and I did it with my clothes on and with matching shoes!! Thank God!