Super COOOL

Can I admit to my readers something really dorky that I did? Will you ever be able to look at me with the same eyes and think "NOW MARCI IS THE COOLEST PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN?"Hmm I think I could be pushing the limits on this one.
Yesterday at work I had one of the worst patients on the planet. I thought, when I got report from my fellow nurse that SURELY these people hate me for giving me this patient. When I was in law enforcement, I came across people like this regularly. They were obnoxious, demanding, made derogatory and degrading remarks.....BUT I didnt have to put up with it. I had tools to make this person's life even more miserable IF I really wanted to. Usually I just ignored them. BUT as a nurse we are expected to be respectful, compassionate and caring. And I am those things. HOWEVER, I really thought a full can of pepper spray might have served this person well.
This patient was a chronic drug user and abuser. This patient had been admitted for severe CHEST PAIN and refused to leave the hospital until treatment was completed for SAID chest pain. Ill call this person DA and refer to this person as a HER/she to "protect HER identity"....

DA was not getting the attention that she thought she deserved and needed. She had told the night nurse that while she was out smoking (dragging her IV pole behind her) that she had fallen 2 times. Obviously this meant that the patient was not safe while under the effect of pain meds so the pain meds were discontinued. Let me just add that this person received enough pain medication and antianxiety meds to put the normal person (nonuser) in a COMA. DA swore she was in horrible pain and needed pain medication....despite her being able to muster up the energy to trek 100 feet or more to the smoking area with her IV pole. While out smoking, DA decided that the smoking area was the appropriate place to answer the call of nature...#1 and #2. Yea thats right...in front of another patient. NICE>>> DA had also disconnected her IV causing blood to pour out all over the ground, her clothes and the IV pole. While the blood dripped from her body, DA proceeded to tie tiny little knots in her IV tubing all the way up the pole. She later denied that she had anything to do with this boyscout like maneuver. Im certain that she could have won a merit badge for her efforts. Also, after she returned to her room to be cleaned up, she decided that since she was no longer allowed to go OUTSIDE and smoke, that smoking in her room (with Oxygen) would be a much more logical alternative. That idea got nixed quickly by the night nurse who took her cigarettes and lighter.
So I inherited DA that morning from a greatly relieved night nurse who left a sticky note on my notebook saying "HAVE A GREAT DAY." She told me "You are gonna need it!!!" Im sure that a cloud of dust kicked up when the night nurse peeled out of the parking lot!!! Im she she didnt even look back!!!!
Before I could complete getting report from the nurse that had her, DA was calling for pain meds and nausea medication. So I knew that I had the honor of breaking it to her that her prescription crack had been discontinued. GREEEEAAAAT! So I jsut TOLD HER that she could not have any more pain medication because of her falls earlier in the night. She denied that she had even fallen. She denied the knot tying episode and that she even had ever complained of chest pain. She had pain elsewhere in her body. I told DA that we were not treating her with pain meds for some other problem but for the chest pain. She was very flustered. At any rate, the battle raged on for another 30 minutes or more. She even complained that we were not allowing her to get coffee, which was not true. We brought her a cup of coffee....deCAF naturally because caffeine is not good for someone with heart issues. I brought her one cup and later she asked our CNA for another cup.
After requesting a 3 cup of coffee from me, she explained that the night nurse had deprived her of the necessary coffee and she NEEDED coffee because she was used to smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day and drinking coffee to help get her going. I cant even begin to imagine. I would be a mess after one cigarette and a cup of coffee for sure. Talking about putting hair on your chest!! WHEW!
So as I was trying to chart back at the nurses station when DA came out with her IV pole in tow and her hospital jug in hand. She wanted me to put hot coffee on top of the coffee she had just dumped into the drink pitcher that had just been filled with ice. I know it didnt make sense. She wanted me to microwave the pitcher after adding more coffee that was hot to the now cold coffee. My brain ached. I know, its not supposed to make sense.
I stood there in front of my coworkers and this patient fighting with the plastic lid that covered the pitcher. No dice. I fought with it again, the little drinking staw bobbed back and forth. Coffee could be heard swooshing around inside.....WHEN SUDDENLY the lid popped off!!! Coffee lurched out of the cup and went all over DA!!! My coworkers around me had to muster up great strength not to BAAHA HA out loud. If they had been texting someone I feel certain they would have exclaimed LOL!!!!! multiple times!! I unconsciously exclaimed "God please have mercy on me!"I didnt even realize that I had said it. DA stated "HE MIGHT BUT I WONT??!!" I appologized and asked what she meant. She said "God might have mercy on you but I wont!!" I must have given her a look because she seemed to have changed her mind about that threat. I earnestly was asking God for mercy....You dont mess with God's children!!!
Thankfully the doctor came in a little later and discharged DA. My coworkers laughed at me saying that I must have intentionally doused DA with that coffee!! I truly had not! I felt bad for it....for a minute or two. I can not believe that it happened. What are the chances???!!! Oh well. No use crying over spilled milk right??? OR cold coffee either!
Oh and the creme de la creme???? The patient went home in blood and coffee saturated jeans and a t shirt that exclaimed "I have issues!" Here's your sign!